What else is there to do?

The universe can change so fast sometimes you don't know how to keep up. I wish the universe could be better sometimes but I don't know how to change the laws of physics or biology or anything so unless you're a comic book character or Elvis you don't come backfrom the dead.

I wish I could make people feel better, I wish I could be there all the time for people but none of this is possible and we all have our own lives to lead but sometimes you really just want to stop and stay with someone for a little while and be able to hold their hands and tell them it's okay, even if you're lying through your teeth.

However, I think we all do the best we can.What else is there to do? Humanity can be selfish and I'm sure Darwin would argue it's an evolutionary principle, we can't be too involved with others peoples life because sometimes we have to protect ourselves. It sucks but it might just be true. I'm not positive right now about this, I'm pretty down on myself but I hope it will work out.

chemistry

Look, I find romance and love difficult. I'm not great with uncertainty and the looknig part and I'm not convinced I'm good with the feelings, but what I figure is that I don't want to settle.

I need the chemistry, the zsa zsa zsu. It's ok getting along with someone but I want the spark, the moment you know? Iknow it fades but I still want it, need it,to be there.I want to able to picture myself kissing this person, picture myself lost in a moment with this person. Settlingfor getting along won't do. Even if I end up alone.

Unrequited Romance

I hate this. I hate this.I hate this!

I hate not being able to tell someone how I feel because I'm scared of what they'll say.

I hate being uncertain because I'm not equipped for uncertainty. I like to know what's going on even if it's not the most positive thing in the world.

I hate that I'm scared of this. I feel like such a coward right now, and I really hate that but what am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to say it?

I hate the feelings. I really do. God, I swear I've become a teenager again; the over-analysing, the significance of looks and touches! It wasn't bad enough the first time round?

Mostly, I hate this because I'm frustrated andlonely at the moment and I'd like to have someone about and telling someone might change that but I think I might be too scared to do it. Who needs romance?

Romance

Well, since I'm sat at my computer blogging on St Valentines Day you can tell how well my love life is going! I never really thought that I'd be the last single girl in my bunch of friends. However this appears to be (currently)true, and its quite strange. I would like someone but I want it to be an organic thing - I have no desire to be in a relationship for a relationships sake.

The trouble with being the single one in a big bunch of couples is that you start feeling like a 3rd wheel all of the time, and no one wants to go out dancing! So inadequacy starts to kick in. 'Did I do something wrong?', 'Is it me? Am I weird' , 'I am attractive right? Right?' I don't believe any of this stuff,I just think that it hasn't happened yet, maybe it never will but if it doesn't then I will get on with it. Long as I have my friends I'm ok

Static

Static is technically a physics term. It's the type of electrical discharge you get when you rub a balloon against wool, & it creates frizz but slang wise its a tension in the air. There's static between people & at the moment I've got static, not with people - my relationships with my friends are the same as ever, my love life is as non-existent as ever but in my life.

Whats the point when you're trying to do too much? When you have work, you have play and you have study and you're trying to fit everything in as much as possible but it isn't - something has to break but deciding is impossible. I figure that's static. My life diesn't really move: same places, same faces but breaking it isn't as easy as I'd like it to be. Move away, just change it maybe and I take the steps but it's like swimming in treacle - you don't really go anywhere. So static.

Appropriately Dressed

I'm inappropriately dressedand a lot of this blog has been my reaction to peoples concept of my image. People believe you are a certain way because of how you dress. I project an image of myself and the universe reacts to it.

I wear clothes because if I went out naked all the time people would talk, but mostly I wear clothes because I love them. I buy (and wear) the high heels, pencil skirts & vintage dresses because I love them and I will never understand whats wrong with that. I don't really understand why people expect clothing to be sensible, it's not. Clothing & fashion is meant to be fun. You're meant to enjoy what you wear. Clothing is there to help you feel the best you can about yourself, make you feel confident for that interview, beautiful on that date.

If I'm really going to be myself, and project my thoughts and feelings then I should wear what I want. If I go to an interview feeling uncomfortable I won't get it nomatter how appropriate my clothing is. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't turn up in a mini but I would wear something I like and that I feel right in. That's what is important. I have to becomfortable in my own skin first.

So being appropriately dressed? I don't really want to be.

Resolutions

Every year I think that the previous went so quickly & yet while its happening I know I think that nothing's happening & everything is going so slowly. This year has been no different with a side order of nothing's really changed. I'm still single, I'm still in the same job(which wouldn't be a problem except that its about as challenging as watching paint dry) & finally the house I live in is still a building site more than 18months after the floods. However the ground work has been laid.

Next month I start a Law Degree with the Open University which is in turn scary & exhilirating but most importantly will challenge me, keeping the sense of inertness at bay. I've also decided that I've had enough of waiting for someone to able to come with me to see things & go places. I will go by myself. So in the spring I am going to visit Paris. My French by by abysmal, I will feel slightly lonely butI will have gone. I will see the Lourve, the Eiffel Tower & walk down the Champs-Elysee (spelling not necessarily correct) & I will enjoy it.

This year my resolution is to stop talking about things & actually do them, to not be afraid to do something by myself. It could be an exercise class or the trip to the city of light but I will take some action. By myself. I'm not nervous, or scared (& maybe if I say that often enough I will believe myself!)